During your child's preschool-age years, they'll discover a lot about themselves and how to interact with people around them. Children need to learn to share so they can make and keep friends, play cooperatively, take turns, negotiate and cope with disappointment. 

Sharing teaches children about compromise and fairness. They learn that if we give a little to others, we can get some of what we want too. Sharing is a key part of getting along with others, so it becomes more and more important when your child starts having playdates and going to child care, preschool or kindergarten.

Children learn a lot from just watching what their parents do. When you model good sharing and turn-taking in your family, it gives your child a great example to follow.

Although it’s important to share, it’s OK for children to have some toys that they keep just for themselves. It’s a good idea to put away these special toys when other children come to play at your house. This can help you avoid problems with sharing. It also shows your child that you understand some things are precious to them.

Toddlers: Learning to Share

Your 2-year-old probably doesn’t understand sharing. For example, if another child has something your child really wants, your child might not understand why they have to wait for it.

Also, sharing means children need to be able to manage their emotions, and toddlers are only starting to learn how to do this. So your child might try to take the toy they want or have a tantrum if they can’t have it.

Expecting your child to be able to share at this age is probably unrealistic. And consequences for not sharing probably won’t help your toddler learn to share. Instead, it’s best to guide your child when they need to share. Encouragement and practice will surely help your child.

Preschoolers: Starting to Understand Sharing

Once they reach age 3, your child will be much less selfish than they were before. They'll be less dependent on you. This is a sign that their sense of identity is stronger and more secure.

They start to play with other children, interacting instead of just playing side by side. In the process, they will recognize that not everyone thinks exactly as they do. They can now understand that each of their playmates has many unique qualities, and that some are easier to get along with than the others.

Your child will learn to take turns and share toys in small groups. Of course, sometimes they won't. But instead of grabbing, whining, or screaming for something, they can actually ask politely. For example, your child will probably understand that sharing equally is the ‘fair’ thing to do, but they still might not want to share if it involves giving up something. Your child might also be impatient when waiting for their turn.

At this age, most children are still learning and can find it hard to understand other people’s thoughts and emotions. You may also find your child drifting toward certain kids and starting to develop friendships with them. As they create these friendships, children discover that they, too, each have special qualities that make them likable. This gives a vital boost to self-esteem. 

There's more good news about your child's development at this age: they become more aware of and sensitive to the feelings and actions of others. As this happens, they gradually stop competing as much and cooperate more when playing with friends.

3 years old are able to work out solutions to disputes by taking turns or trading toys. However, particularly in the beginning, you need to encourage this cooperation.

Here are ways to encourage sharing in everyday life:

• Talk about why sharing is good for your child and others. You can say something like, “When you share your toys with your friend, everyone gets to have fun. You might get a share of your friend’s toys too”.

• Point out good sharing in others. For example, “Your friend was sharing her ball really well. That was very kind of her”.

• When you see your child trying to share or take turns, give your child plenty of praise and attention. For example, “I liked the way you let Danny have a turn on the swing. Great sharing!”

• Play games with your child that involve sharing and turn-taking. Talk your child through the steps, saying things like, “Now it’s my turn to play a card, and then it’s your turn” or “You share the red blocks with me, and I’ll share the green blocks with you”.

• Talk with your child about sharing before playdates with other children. For example, you could say, “When Georgia comes over, you’ll need to share some of your toys. Why don’t we ask her what she wants to play with?” You can also talk with your child about sharing before they start child care or preschool.

If there is trouble, it can help to ask your child how they would feel if someone took their toy or did not let them have a turn. Talking to your child about other people’s feelings will also help your child understand things from someone else’s point of view. It’s best to have this conversation when your child is calm.

School-age children: sharing in tricky situations

At this age, your child will be much more patient and tolerant than they used to be. Your child will also be keen to do the right thing and can form more complex friendships, which helps with the idea of sharing. Your child can get a lot of practice sharing at school too – for example, sharing paints in art, or playing games together at recess or lunch.

By the time most children start school, they begin to understand that other people have feelings too. They also have a strong sense of fairness and might not want to share a toy or play a game if they think they won’t get a fair go. This means they are more likely to share and take turns, although it might still be hard for them to be patient, especially if they are very excited or upset. It might help to check the rules of the games your child is playing and reassure your child and others that they’ll all get a turn.

No matter what you do, there probably will be times when your child's anger or frustration becomes physical. When that happens, restrain them from hurting others. If they do not calm down quickly, move them away from the other children.

Talk to your child about their feelings and try to figure out why they are so upset. Let them know you understand and accept their feelings. But make it clear that hitting or physically attacking another child is not a good way to express these emotions.

Help your child see the situation from the other child's point of view by reminding them of a time when someone hit or screamed at them. Then, suggest more peaceful ways to resolve their conflicts. Once they understand what they've done wrong, ask them to apologize to the other child.

Keep in mind that simply saying "I'm sorry" may not help your child correct their behavior; they also need to know why they are apologizing. They may not understand right away, but give it time. These explanations will begin to mean something.

If your child finds sharing challenging, it’s a good idea to stay nearby when your child plays with other children and encourage your child to share. When your child does try to share, you can say exactly what your child did well and how proud you are.

For children over 3 years, it can help to create consequences for not sharing.

When you use consequences for not sharing, it is important that the consequences relate to the thing that is being shared – or not shared! For example, if children are not sharing a toy train, you might tell them you are taking the train away for 30 seconds. This will give them time to calm down and a chance to think about how to share. Then give the train back and let them try again. This gives them another chance to get it right. If they still cannot share, you can take it away for longer. Neither child can play with the train, so the consequence feels the same for both of them.

There’s no reason to avoid playdates if your child is still learning to share. Instead, use playdates as a chance to help your child practise. You can remind your child at the start of the playdate that sharing is a good thing to do with friends. Then, you can help your child and their friend to decide what toys they could share.

Taken from various sources